Common Deathbed Phrases and the Life Lessons They Offer

Everyone’s life is different, yet most people still utter one of four common phrases on their deathbeds, according to Pulitzer Prize-winning author and oncologist Siddhartha Mukherjee. Each of these phrases offers an important lesson for leading a fulfilling and successful life, Mukherjee said during a commencement speech at the University of Pennsylvania last week. “Every person that I’ve met in this moment of transition wanted to make four offerings,” he added.

The phrases are:

1. I want to tell you that I love you.

2. I want to tell you that I forgive you.

3. Would you tell me that you love me?

4. Would you give me your forgiveness?

People who know they’re dying often express some variation of one of those four themes, indicating that they waited until it was late to show their appreciation for others or right their interpersonal wrongs, said Mukherjee, author of the award-winning 2011 nonfiction book “The Emperor of All Maladies: A Biography of Cancer.”

Instead, they harbored grudges, lived with unresolved guilt, or spent years being too afraid to be vulnerable, Mukherjee explained. The ensuing remorse, stress, poor mental health, and even hormonal and immune imbalances can stunt your personal and professional growth, neurobehavioral scientist J. Kim Penberthy wrote in a 2022 University of Virginia blog post.

“Love and forgiveness, death and transition. Waiting [to express yourself] merely delays the inevitable,” said Mukherjee, adding that young people should “take this seriously. You’re living in a world where love and forgiveness have become meaningless, outdated platitudes. ... They’re words people have learned to laugh at.”

Coming to terms with the fact that you’ve wronged or hurt someone can be difficult. Try following these four steps, recommends Richard Cowden, a social-personality psychologist with the Human Flourishing Program at Harvard’s Institute for Quantitative Social Science:

1. Take responsibility for your actions.

2. Allow yourself to experience negative feelings, like remorse and guilt.

3. Give a sincere apology and try to make amends.

4. Learn from the experience and move on.

“It’s uncomfortable to admit you’ve done something wrong, and it’s natural to protect one’s self-esteem by dismissing what happened or making excuses for your behavior,” Cowden told Harvard Medical School in 2022. “[But] it can free you from your past mistakes and help you live more fully in the here and now. You might be surprised how much better you feel if you can work through the process of forgiving yourself.”

You can also show appreciation for people by speaking their love language: Take your partner’s vehicle to the car wash without them asking, or surprise your mom with flowers. Go out to dinner with your friends or give someone a hug. Simply say, “I love you” or “I appreciate you.”

Just make sure you actually mean words like “love” and “forgiveness” when you use them, said Mukherjee. “I dare you to use these words,” he said. “But not as empty clichés. Imbue them with real meaning. Do it your way, whatever your way is.”

Lessons from the Deathbed: Implementing Love and Forgiveness

Mukherjee’s insights emphasize the profound impact of love and forgiveness on one’s life. These deathbed reflections are a powerful reminder to prioritize meaningful relationships and resolve conflicts while there is still time. The avoidance of expressing these sentiments can lead to a life burdened with regret and missed opportunities for deeper connections.

Practicing forgiveness and expressing love can significantly enhance one’s mental and emotional well-being. It can lead to reduced stress, better relationships, and an overall sense of peace. Forgiving oneself and others can break the cycle of resentment and guilt, fostering a healthier, more fulfilling life.

Practical Steps to Incorporate Love and Forgiveness in Daily Life

To incorporate these lessons into daily life, start by being proactive in your interactions with others. Regularly express gratitude and appreciation to those around you. Acknowledge and address conflicts promptly to prevent them from festering. Make a conscious effort to forgive and let go of past grievances.

Engage in activities that strengthen your relationships, such as spending quality time with loved ones, participating in shared experiences, and supporting each other’s goals and aspirations. Practicing empathy and understanding can also help in creating a nurturing and forgiving environment.

Overcoming Barriers to Expressing Love and Forgiveness

Many people struggle with expressing love and forgiveness due to fear of vulnerability or past experiences that have made them wary of emotional openness. It's important to recognize these barriers and work actively to overcome them. Start by reflecting on your past interactions and identifying moments where you could have been more open or forgiving. This self-awareness can be the first step towards making meaningful changes in how you relate to others.

Additionally, building a supportive network of friends and family who value emotional honesty can help reinforce these behaviors. Surround yourself with individuals who encourage and practice these values, as their influence can provide the motivation and confidence needed to express your own feelings more freely.

Conclusion

Siddhartha Mukherjee’s observations about common deathbed phrases underscore the importance of love and forgiveness in leading a fulfilling life. By taking responsibility for our actions, expressing our feelings openly, and prioritizing meaningful relationships, we can avoid the regrets often voiced in our final moments. Embracing these values can lead to a richer, more connected life, free from the burdens of unresolved conflicts and unexpressed emotions. As Mukherjee suggests, let us use the words “love” and “forgiveness” with genuine intent, making them a core part of our daily lives and interactions.